I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
