I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
