My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
