I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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