I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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