i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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