I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
