I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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