I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
