you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
