Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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