Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
