I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
