i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
