I wish my penis had an off switch
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just found a bag of teeth...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
