I wish i was in the wii world.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
