i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My ass is underappreciated
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
