White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
