My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize