Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
