you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
