While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
