Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
