RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Randomize
