ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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