make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
