.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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