You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
