Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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