btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
