took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
