You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize