I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
