Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My friends, they love my intelligence
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
