Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
