how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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