I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
