I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
