i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
