I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
