My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
