oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
