I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
