Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
