I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I need to align my fucking chakras
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
