My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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