Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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