Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
