The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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