she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
