Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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