he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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