I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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