I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i love accidental penises.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
