after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
