I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
