Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Randomize
