Cold hands, warm shart.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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