i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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