Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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