remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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