i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
