im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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