take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
