Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize