I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
