why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
