I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
